DREAMS COME TRUE !!

the pain within ...

2011-11-16T07:18:00.001+05:30

the pain...... the misery within.....
constant ........the agony of being....
misunderstood...misjudged..... all in the name of love....
from a dream..... to a nightmare.....
a road that once led once to bliss.....has only sorrow in sight...
I wasn't meant for love.......... or love wasn't meant for me.....

Dawn..

2011-10-11T07:02:00.002+05:30

The Morning Sun... as dawn breaks it brings in new hopes...

Mesmerised by the beauty it beholds, giving life to all that exists in this world...

The aura around it spells magic, and all I wish gazing at this single most powerful force is, if only I capture it in all its beauty and magic.

Lazy’g Around

2011-05-22T12:17:00.001+05:30

Breakfast in Bed..... WOW. Devi knows how to pamper me when I need it the most. Maggi and Toast may not be my obvious choice for breakfast in bed…but it isn't all that unwelcome either. She cooks food for me sometimes…and she cooks what she likes. I don’t have much of a say in that department. Sometimes we forget how simple small gestures can make a huge difference. We often forget to say "Thank You" and take it for granted.

After an eventful night, waking up was just more than a big effort. The terrace looks as of it was hit by a tornado. The weather has been quite unpredictable and welcome. Respite from the scorching heat. Rode back from work last night... completely drenched. Was amazing ....

Plans for the day:

To Chill Out

Spend time with mom.

To be ready to answer her questions about my wedding. She feels I am against marriage (a suspicion that most mothers live with). She waits for weekends and Sundays to barge in with these questions ( Only time she finds me available for more than 10 mins). Mind you, there is no preset time for when these questions would be sloshed at you. Like the weather, it can hit you when you least expect it. . Sometimes I find my mum walking into my room at 5 am and asking me if I ever plan to get married . In half sleep, have had barely registered the question, my answer may have been “ NO” and what follows is an hour-long session of advice and few hundred questions, most of which I wouldn’t even hear cus I may have drifted away to sleep. My mum is the cutest… but she tends to worry a hell lot. So I don’t mind being available . I would always be a kid to her and she feels the constant need to advise me on how important it is to settle down in life when the time is right and all that. ( can't actually believe its been the longest paragraph so far in the blog) I obviously feel strongly about it

To Cook

Something I enjoy doing. Being a Gemini, being Moody comes naturally, and cooking is something I do that’s driven completely by my mood and not by need for having something to eat

Its 11.17 and I am still in bed. Have lots to do, but I am putting it all off for another time, another week ( which BTW, starts tomorrow)

The Countdown.......

2010-12-26T10:14:00.006+05:30

What an amazing year its been . Its almost the end of 2010, and the beginning of a new decade. Christmas was sweet and I am hoping the New Year would be even better. No resolutions this time around though. We make resolutions to break them. And yeah.. its kinda funny. I remember doing the exact opposite of what I thought I would do. :)

First day of heavy fog this winters. The chill in the air and the misty morning has something special about it. I sense a lot of happiness around me. Friends getting married, expecting babies, etc etc.. There is a lot of joy around me that I am not part of. I must embrace it all .....

The fact that I am in a " wanna feel goody good" mood is more than obvious now. Been digging for Rom Com sorta movies lately. There is something about such movies that leave me feel good. Yeah yeah.... I am a hopeless romantic. Although I just live all this romance in my head. Real life isn't quite the same you know :)

Lemme wish all of you all a Great New Year ahead filled with lotsa happiness and memories to cherish ( no harm being overly optimistic . rt?) Wicked me ;)

The countdown has begun...........

2010-11-07T09:55:00.000+05:30

Weekend Mania!!

Not Quite. Working this Sunday. The difference is, I feel quite upbeat and mischevious too ;)

for the one i love……

2010-06-02T10:07:00.001+05:30

Deep in my heart I feel a pain… Tears rolling down my cheeks… There is something causing such a heartache… My eyes wander… looking for something.. I wish I knew what I was missing…. and then…. I close my eyes………..and I see your face…. and I feel the pain all over again… my darling you….. I miss you…. I see the love in your eyes….. The warmth in your smile…. in your arms I can live my whole life….. I wonder how could I be so lucky…… o f everything that life has given me….. you are the most precious gift … you mean the world to me… all I want to tell you is that I love you till eternity…..

Let me be…

2009-08-15T22:30:00.001+05:30

A walk through the woods…. without knowing where i am headed to…

Music Got me Love and Love Got me Music

2008-12-29T13:16:00.004+05:30

29th December 00:45
Never really been crazy about music... but Music has always had an effect on me. Irrespective of what genre, what language, there was always this connect. It had the power to change my mood from a low to an instant high. Was easy for me in some ways to get lost in the melodies, the rhythm. Rock, Hard Rock, Soft Rock, Pop, Jazz, Country, Classical... however one differentiates and defines music..... the effect is the same..... it creates Magic. And so it did for me ..... and in some ways ......it got me much more than I cud ever ask for....

It helped me live my dream... I got so lost in the music that for those moments I forgot who I was.. and just followed my heart. I lived and felt all that I have always wanted to. Music took me to a different world.. I never knew existed...... it led me to my love... Music helped me realise how beautiful it was what I had in that moment...

I am just a novice.. wanting to know more, feel more, live more... and I want music to be part of my life forever. Almost each day I share a piece of music that we both can listen to...and we do. It connects us like nothing else.............. It transcends the distance ... it makes me feel alive. Thanks to Mush, I have learnt to appreciate music like never before. He simply loves his music, and the passion that he is possessed with, is infectious. I am getting to learn about a genre of music that I was never exposed to... and I do like the sound of it. We could spend hours together just listening to Our Music.....

Hmmm... talking about which... I guess it’s not how it works for all of us. While I was still typing this.. I get a text ( I am not sure if could quote him, but I am taking the liberty) from a friend asking me “Such a lovely weather and I feel like I am wasting it in these usual fares like dinners, movies and just drives etc.. where has the romance gone .... It pricks me all the time .. !!”

I feel sad.. not for my friend... but knowing how we feel deprived of this emotion, while it is still all around us. I never knew how much power it holds... till it came to me.......... gentle like a feather touch and strong like the Katrina.... shook me up and got me here.... I feel blissful........... I am in love !
Time to say goodnight ......with a wish that we all find love in all our relationships.... that we all are happy..........and that we all adopt music....... cus it sure has the power to heal and it also has the power to bring a smile........ to bring happiness!!

Adios!

The Redemption......

2008-10-24T08:07:00.002+05:30

24 October 2008 – 07.01 AM

It’s been a beautiful morning, and so was the feeling when I had gone to bed last night. It was a mixed feeling but then, just before I drifted away to sleep my mind was put at ease with a thought that was as serene as this morning. Winters have set in ...and one can feel the change in weather. Days are much shorter and tends to get cold in the evenings. The kinda weather which makes you curl up into your bed every morning craving for some more sleep. I just love winters.............. and a hot cuppa tea/coffee in bed just makes it perfect.

A slight chill in the air... hearing to my mom walking around the house doing her stuff( she is an early riser........ no wonder she tries to get me off the bed at 6 am , even on a holiday....). Have been up for more than an hour or so. Waking up in the morning has never been more refreshing than it has been in the past 2 months. Sleep or no sleep.........am always up with a smile. No more complains about not having slept enough no more...

Watched “The Shaw shank Redemption” last night (mainly to kill time and ward off any sleep that would have reached me ) I couldn’t believe that I had the movie on my system for almost a year and I never really bothered, till until someone thought it would be a good idea if I watched the movie. Highly recommended!! So, thought of giving it a shot............and much to my surprise...........and like I was told, it turned out to be rather good........Very good if I may add. It may seem like I am writing a review or something (No, I am not being paid for this) or trying to endorse the movie........... but its kinda worth it. It leaves you with a liberated feeling ......somewhat like Tim Robbins might have felt when he drove down the road into Mexico. For me it had a different kind of effect. I wish I could ever explain how it felt or give it words....... I can’t.

Haven’t written in a long time. And I have come to terms with the fact that I really cannot write unless I have that urge to.........and unfortunately for me........... I only have the urge to scribble at the odd times when I wud have no access to anything close to a notepad. I guess it’s to do with what kinda mood I am in. I must confess, I have been kinda busy ( more than usual) over the past 2 months.... and I aint complaining....Trust Me !! It couldn’t get better than this. J

Woke up, with all the intention of going back to sleep, because waking up again the way I did an hour ago was more appealing than anything I could have ever thought of. But, no matter what I did , I just couldn’t get back to sleep. Haven’t been out of my room at this time of the morning.... in a long time. so, it was kinda nice feeling. Even the newspaper came after I had gotten up.........now that hasn’t happened in a long time................... if you know what I mean. Unlike my usual routine, I haven’t really caught up well with the news or the newspaper lately which is so unlike me, unless of course the news is BIG enough and is on my face kinds. Have been doing very well with the headlines................ not getting into the details....and may be its not even worth it. News these days seem more like bad work of fiction..... and we people subject to an ending which is more than just predictable, or with no ending at all. With all that is happening around us, all of it seems more like a joke. The latest disappointment being the murder of Soumya Vishwanathan.......with no suspects............no accused........... no traces of evidence. Looks like it’s one of the many stories which will die its own death. I guess, we have got numb to all of this.......... has become mundane............and no one seems to care no more. May her soul rest in peace !!

Let me not get carried away, cus this morning is supposed to be beautiful, filled with all the good things I can possibly imagine. Day is gonna be busy........... but I am sure I will have a good time and try and change a few things around me for the good.

Himesh Reshamiyya playing on the FM....... almost ruining a beautiful day.... so I got to change the station before he does the damage. What was he thinking anyway, when he thought of taking up acting as an alternative career option and putting all of us through the torture. As if his music wasn’t enough for all the pain ( in the ASS) it would cause . Sorry about the language.........but that's the kinda feeling he triggers in me.

Time to get up from the comforts of my bed I believe. All I wanted to do was write something............ because that's what I do, when I am feeling good ........or really sad. I guess the reason today is more pleasant than it ever has been. Listening to “Baatein” .......... from Rock On. Music to my ears........ leaves me with a feel good factor always........ a bit thoughtful......... The song has kinda grown on me and it give me a sense joy every time I listen to it. It may not have an evergreen melody...but its working for me now and that's what matters I guess. Funny how music can have this butterfly effect on you...............and sometime Life changing effects too............. as it turns out in my case. J Songs I never thought I would listen to more than twice have become a Mantra for me. ......elevating my mood to a new high every time I listen to them.

With that thought lingering .............. me signing off and preparing to have another beautiful day of my life...................

Fall in love............... and no amount alcohol can ever give you a HIGH as love does !! J An honest suggestion............. if It doesn’t find you...............GO FIND IT !! Worth every second of your life!!

Hasta La Vista....

cranky me............

2008-07-15T22:48:00.002+05:30

I feel like talking so much...........although I can hardly utter a word. Sore throat. And the fever. Sree tells me that I have created so much hype about being feverish. U bet !! It’s not every day that fever comes visiting. And considering the passion with which it has embraced me, it looks like it is here to stay ........... at least for a while 

And then I am also reminded of a dear friend, who would tell me that he is bedridden and unwell, the moment the mercury touches 98 or 99. I wonder what he would say if it were ever went up to 100 or 102. I wish it never happens to him, but just hypothetically thinking. Kartik... u need to grow up !!! Look at me........102 and still going strong !!!

I have been keeping myself busy with a lot of DVDs / Music, and not to mention the SLEEP !! Because that's all I can do .......... have been confined to bed. There I go ..............talking about the most recent event in my life. My engagement with Fever!! I just can’t seem to get over it somehow. .... and a few others. Like they say.......time heals it all. ...... the fever would go away too.

But what happens to those answers I seek.... it seems quite important for me to know what happened. I mean.... that's the least I guess I could ever ask for. But then, it’s our life. We cannot be asked too many questions for the decision we take in life. But somehow at times it is just so crucial to maintain the sanctity.

I felt awkward...weird if I may add........ and couldn’t really believe it at first. And then, I chose not to be affected by what happened, and I let it pass.......... Momentary disbelief..................... I thought maybe it will get over soon............ I was wrong!! It did get over, in the most obnoxious strange ways possible..and in the literal sense too ........and looks like I will never know why!! I know I am talking about things which sound strange ................ but then I don’t care!! And the most annoying bit is ........... pretending !!! To behave as of the person does not exists......... even though he /she would be right there ..............on your face. So, am getting used to that too. The only possession I have in my life is my friends, and the people who are close to me. And no matter how sour the existence together was, it has never ended in a bad note. We may not have continued to be great friends, but have kept the friendship alive. All of us keep in touch, no matter where we are, what we do. Never really had to look away............... but now, I have to learn to do that too... ... it isn’t easy.................

But at least I know, I will never walk away............ I will always be here............... and I so desperately want to believe that it isn’t always like it appears. And there is always something good which is waiting to happen in all our lives, and that people choose to behave in a manner for a reason ( best known to them at times.................) and behind all the harsh realities there is always a warm truth.

Ok.... so, that's that !! I am hoping I feel better tomorrow. I was hoping that I would be better today, but somehow it wasn’t meant to be. I haven’t been so sick in my entire life. I can’t wait to get out of my house, cus I know the moment I step out......... I will be all fit and fine.

R is meeting his newfound love tomorrow ( I mean...yeah.) she is from our school..............and they met again after all these years............and......BINGO they hit it off. I am all too excited about it. It is so sweet when it is your school friends. I am glad that he finally found someone special.

Looks like I should wrap it up now..........looks like I have written enough................ not that any of it would make any sense to anybody (including myself).......but what the heck!!

Good night sweetheart.........................see you soon !

la felicidad... en su servicio

2008-07-08T23:33:00.002+05:30

How good is too good. ? or how bad is too bad? Been wondering .....

I normally do not delete any of my posts... but I just did a while a back. Not sure why. May be because I could not relate to what I had written. “I M SORRY” doesn’t really mean anything..... I mean, it does not make sense to me at least. Anyways............ a different time, a different reason, a different feeling. I am sure it will make some sense some day!!

So, where was I ??? apparently ............... nowhere. It almost as if I suddenly got caught in time............. and almost froze. Nothing seemed to have changed drastically from the last time. Everything is just the same. But , may be this time I could do things a bit differently.

I gave in................................to the ever engaging feeling.... and like I had thought it wasn’t a fairy tale. Call it “temporary indisposition” . It could not have lasted forever !! but, again I took my chances.......... and it was great (it always is I guess) and then you are hit by a meteorite (if I may say so, cus the impact and the after effect are no less) and brought back into the harsh reality of life. And once again I am forced to believe that it is ALWAYS about the “The Three Cs”

The philosophy was invented by a very dear friend ( who would not want to believe it in the first place, but somehow is convinced that no matter how much we contest and debate against it, it is true and that's how it works........and unfortunately for him, his thought was proven right, as much as he would have wanted otherwise)

Every time we get talking, I keep telling myself that may be, there is nobody who is perfect. But then WHO WANTS TO BE A PERFECTIONIST for Christ’s sake??? There is only one thing which is true..........and that's we all live and strive to be happy. And happiness can mean a lot different for each one of us. It could be momentary, and for some it could last a life time. depends on how sane one is....... or how unrealistic ..may be. Cus in the real world, as we know it......... happiness does not last forever............. there’s lot that one needs to do, to remain happy. Being optimistic is one of them. Being engulfed by all the negativity around, it isn’t as easy as it sounds. Happiness does not mean being unconditional and nice anymore. It means being selfish and greedy and always thinking about how to be better off than your neighbour, friend, colleagues etc etc.... ( No, I aint taking out my anger out in these written words. Its just the way I think it works these days......... I could be wrong ............I wish I am wrong. )

I just hope when I wake up tomorrow morning...........and I have one more reason to laugh and smile.................. and I wouldn’t have to look too far. .................

The 3 Cs......

2008-05-19T01:15:00.002+05:30

Hmmm. 46 mins past midnight. and no signs of sleep. and it doesnt even feel like its monday morning already. i aint getting no sleep. no matter how hard i tried. so thot of being here..... and since its been a while.... i thot it would be worthwhile writing something for myself.

It has not been a great day, as it has not been for the past so many days. but then this is shortlived......the good happy days would be back in no time. i was out of the house for almost 4 hours and and was home by 6 pm. unlike me, specially on a sunday evening. i dont even rememeber the last time i was sitting home, watching a movie at 6 in the evening. PHEW !!!

Of all the things going wrong with me lately, the only regret that i have is that i havent spent any time reading. the thought of buying a new book for myself, has somehow only remained a THOUGHT!! i am so looking forward to getting those two books tomorrow.

So, what bugging me tonight??? Enough to keep me off from sleep.........considering that i havent slept properly in the past two weeks, this again is no less a surprise. Well, i rather not talk of "WHAT" has been bugging me. its immaterial and may be out of context. Funny, since there isnt any context to what i still writing. But, what the heck. !!

I just got thinking about what a dear friend told me last night. infact it is "WHAT HE BELIEVES IN". I was actually suddenly reminded of how we all live our lives on the " 3C " rule ..............i aint talking about the Much happening multiplex somewhere in Lajapt nagar, where one often bumps into a bunch of " WANNABE COOL DUDES AND GALS"............

i am talking about the so called Funda of life, to quote my dear friend .... it is about the 3Cs - COMFORT, CONVENIENECE and COMPATIBILITY. and coming to think of it, he is actually right. it is all about the 3Cs. Love , Emotions, Relationships and everything else is just another form of the 3 Cs put together. You may find the third C missing most of the times....... or should i say ALL THE TIME . But then it doesnt really matter. its the First and the second which would do all the damage.

Btw, did i forget to mention that it is actually raining..................and thts the only respite i have tonight. and i still see no signs of sleep coming my way, so i have thought of watching another movie. That is after i finish talking, scribbling, ............

Coming back to the 3 Cs. Despite all my efforts in proving this philosophy wrong, i have to admit that i have been wrong all the time. this idea actually works. its as if the whole universe revolves around it. its all about our comfort and convenienece. and thats the ONLY way it works !! Looks like i just gotto admit it and live with it.

anyways.. my brain isnt working all that much. i would rather read something or watch a movie and try and get some sleep .......................eventually !! the whole thought of getting up at 5.30 am without having slept all night in itself is no less a nightmare !

Good Night. !!!

Hey there! Missed you.... really !! :(

2008-03-23T21:55:00.001+05:30

A sense of déjà vu. ..................as I begin to type. all this seems too familiar, yet so strange. may be because it has been a long time since I wrote, something for myself. the urge has always been so strong, but somehow never really managed to gather myself to give it words, lines, paragraphs. Needless to say that I missed being part of this world. a world where I can be myself with my thoughts without having to worry of being prude, offensive , judgemental etc...

The wait has been worth, or maybe that's what I would like to believe . The past few months have been good. Kept myself busy with work, no work and also a deliberate attempt to not write anything on the blog. Is blogging so very important?? I wondered to myself. A lot of friends who took interest in my blogs (more out of their desire of being nice to me, than being really impressed about my writing skills ), were given a rather boring reason to not having posted anything new. " I wasn’t up to it " ......and I wasn’t ....really. There s a lot for me to update a lot of people about. I have been in some sort of a hideaway it seems. without much contact with friends, most of whom had started to wonder if I were still alive?? can’t blame them ....

And then I had these amazingly boring schedule to get through.

And just over fortnight ago I went head over heels for someone. Unbelievable !! I am in love with that feeling..... anybody would be. Just a small wish ...if it could last for more than the time it did.... People call it Chemistry ! But , why does it happen with ppl I can’t possibly be with. Why do I have to go through these “trying to get away” days? It difficult for me to like someone... (weird that I am). ................and the one I like (read.....dying to fall madly in love with) is the one I can’t be with. AMAZING......isn’t it? And BTW (no matter how clichéd or boring or bollywoodish it may sound) we both have made a pact. We are gonna be together in our next lives. And that's a deal !! some hope, is better than no hope. !!

Even on a holiday I sit here wondering what could I possibly do to make my life more exciting. Better than what it is. Work keeps me busy, but there has to be so much more than just work.....I can’t be so madly in love with my work. I need to get a life. !! a Real ONE !!

“Shalini........... go Get a Life”... is what I hear inside my head all the time. Am I going Nuts! Already?? Not yet... I guess.

One thing Is for sure.. am gonna write more often. A desperate attempt to contain as much sanity ............ before I lose it completely.

So, my darling .... here wishing you a sweet goodnight. Till we meet again !! it’s good to be back and talking to you.

Nonz.... this one is for you.............

2007-03-13T10:05:00.000+05:30

The Poem is dedicated to my dear friend..........who lost a loved one.. ........

Dear Nonz.... ...................He is always with you......may be not physically...........but you are embraced with all the love he had for you..................forever.................................

When the memories reign you thoughts...............
The tear brimming in your eyes................
Wanting to break free...............................
Flowing gently down your cheeks.................
Heart aching to be with the one lost to destiny................................
Wanting to cling on to all the happy moments.................
Which never would be..................
Search your soul.........And find the warmth of the Hug, The Love which was , and forever shalll be..........

ONLY FOR YOU.........DJ !!!!

2006-10-26T18:41:00.000+05:30

A gentle touch..... A sweet cuddle.......the warmth that melts me in his arms. The feeling which overwhelms our senses...........
The sense of touch has never been so indulging....... As if the the distance between us vanishing every second.
Hearts racing ..........His Lips craving to touch mine.............

As the music fills in our senses..........We draw closer..........So close that we share the same breath.......A tear rooling down his eye....
He holds me closer.....his lips almost touching mine.......... My eyelashes tickling his cheeks...........

Transcending us to a different world.............his grip becoming ever so stronger........... As if never to let go...... I could sense his heart racing against mine..........As if talking to me..............The language of Love.....Perhaps !! the inevitable happens...........the feeling of his lips on mine...........I wish this nite never ends .......................

2006-04-10T09:42:00.000+05:30

Saturday 3 A.M.
A knock on my door...... I hear the faint knock again.... getting up form my sleep i reach for my watch... its reads 3.A.M. I wonder who could it be at this hour... in this strange city. I hardly know anybody here. I manage to get myself out of the bed……and wander towards the door...my eyes barely open... filled with sleep.

I look through the peeping hole... find no one at the other end.......... theres a knock again. In double minds i open the door …...just slightly.... again to find no one. I fear the worst.... and yet i gather the courage to step out. I turn around .... and to my surprise i see a stark figure...... against the dimly lit corridor....standing with his back against the wall. ... i try and place the person... The face seems quite familiar......i guess it seemed like a face i have know for a long time ......i rub my eyes.... just to widen my vision and to wake myself. The face is more clearer now... and another glimpse to the smiling face .....and i am all awake and conscious. I smile in astonishment...This was the best surprise ever... and shocking at that....... Simply unimaginable kinds. It was him….. How can I ever forget that smile…..the cheer which would always brighten my day…and not just mine… everybody else’s too.

The last time I saw him was almost 6 years back… and the memories of parting away from him weren’t quite soothing… but I guess that is how it was destined. So, there he was staring at me, at my doorstep…. When I was least likely to see him ever. Again as he would always say “ There are some things which are beyond one’s control.”. and I could see how right he was.

It had been close to 5 mins and I had still not overcome the surprise of seeing him. I could not believe he was just a touch away….. how badly I craved to talk to him… like I did years ago.
“Hi” said he… as if bringing me back to the real world from my own galaxy of thoughts and memories.

His eyes were swollen and he looked tired. As if he had not slept for days… and Now I could see even the smile was forced. Almost as if we won a battle with his to get that smile on his face….. I could sense he so desperately needed a shower and some good sleep.

I walk towards him…. I wondered , I had to touch and feel him to actually register his presence.. “Hello “ I said. My voice barely audible as I lead him through the door. I had so many questions running on my mind and I knew he could sense it too…...as he always did. I chose not to barge him with a questionnaire…cus I knew he would talk …and open up….. we both had to. There was so much to say ……

We sat in the living room…. Silence overtook and we just kept looking at each other. Me out of disbelief .and I just could not explain his expression…… so many emotions ..and yet he looked cute…the childlike innocence…. as ever…

We had been through so much in the Six years between us……….that everything now was so unimaginable. May be that’s what we call Destiny.

“Would you like some coffee” I enquired ! there was no reply. I sensed he was not present even though his physical presence would proved otherwise.
I asked again…. And this time it registered .....and all he said was “sure”. While I made the coffee I realized that the questions in my head just multiplied with every passing minute.

Head rested on the couch, eyes closed, that’s how I found him as I walked in. I thought he was asleep but he wasn’t. He sensed my presence and adjusted himself in the couch. He was trying so hard to keep things away from me…. Holding himself back. He never wanted to appear weak…

"Coffee is good.....reminds me of our times in Delhi".... He said.....and again a shrill of the quietness doomed in. I thought to myself..........how his presence had brought back all the memories of our times together. We never planned our future the way it had turned out. Infact we were aware that WE did not have a future together....but somehow in the hearts of hearts we always wanted to be together ...against all odds !

The clock struck 4 a.m. I sensed we had not spoken much in the one hour of being together. "I think you should catch up with some sleep" i said as i got up to show him the way to the guest room. And there was no reply...Only a Gaze..."No" he said.... as he walked towards me.

He stood so close i could feel his breath. A shiver ran down my spine..... i had felt this before... " I am tired.... tired of running away... i just wanna be with you for a while... Could you stay up for sometime.. " He said......... as he gently twiddled his fingers between mine. As if his fingers were wanting to talk to mine... wanting to be touched.... but shying away. I realised he was in pain... as if he had so much to say..... " Yes i would " i said as he turned and enveloped me into his arms.... so tightly i could sense his heartbeat against me.

He always lived his life to the fullest...as if there was no tomorrow. He would always go out of his way to keep others happy and to ensure that he brings a smile on their faces.... especially his loved ones, his friends and the people who he cared and i guess for strangers too. He was an Angel of sorts in everybody's life.

He was surrounded by people who loved him, cared for him..... had a beautiful girlfriend......... Yet, somehow he was LONELy. i often wondered...how could anyone be so alone even admist so many people....... he Never let anybody know of the pain he went through. i guess that was because he never wanted to appear low, sad to the people who relied on him..... looked up to him as an answer to all their questions and miseries.... he did not want to let them down.

It had been quite sometime since we stood hugging onto each other..... not a word uttered. All this was like a dream and both of us were trying to live this dream for a little while. Holding on to each other as if never to let go......as if there was not tomorrow.

We kept talking to each other..... he was begining to open up........Before we realised it was 2 :00 pm. He lay with his head on my laps, face down... like a smal baby......holding on to me tighly. I gently kissed his cheeks and let him be. I was glad that he had fallen asleep.... he so desperatly needed it. Just lloking at him would bring back fond memories of the time we spent together in the suburbs of Delhi.

We often we out for long drives..... or to the Airport to catch a glimpse of the huge Boeings touching down ........quite a sight it used to be...... the movies.... the coffee shop.... the long walks ....... mostly talking about work, relationships, problems.....and what not. We had got used to each other's company, and yet maintaining our individual personal lives..... our realationships with other people in our lives.... Ours had become little complex a realtionship.... which for many would not have made any sense. But we were happy with each other and thats all that mattered. We owed no explanation to anybody.....

And now... here we were..... seeing each other after 6 years. So much had happened. Our lives werent the same anymore.......

To be contd ....

A Week That Was !!

2006-03-16T15:58:00.000+05:30

I wish i could relive the past week.... each and every single moment of it, obviously this time with a few changes here and there !! If only all our wishes could come true!!

Left for Kerala on the 8th of March'06, and the only regret about the whole trip has been my choice to travel by train to kerala. And believe me i did not have too many options.....Although i love travelling by train.... this time it was different. I was travelling alone and had no company even on the train. Thanks to the varanasi Bomb blasts, 70% of the reservations were cancelled, which meant an excrutiatingly boring 48 hours up ahead. There was some relief that came my way through my aunt's call. She wanted me to get down at Coimbotore which saved me from the 8 hours of misery !!

The Kerala trip trned out to be quite good. Lot of travlling though.but fairly good. Met up with a few friends and relatives and got some important work done.

Trip to bangalore was even better. Original plan...was to reach Bangalore early morning and leave in the evening.

I liked Bangalore a lot, but trust me i could have for done without the traffic problem. i mean it took me an hour to cover 4.5 kms. It was unbelievable !! My plight continued all day long.........And thnks to the amazingly planned city i missed my flight in the evening.
So, that meant spending the nght at Bangalore....... which i guess was not that bad a bargain .

Went to OG, 13 floor and had some good time. and took the afternoon flight out of bangalore the next day.

The whole week just went by in a jiffy. i did not even realise.
The only regret is that i could not make it on time for Holi.... i am sure i will make up for it next year.

And since i have come back to delhi...life has become even more hectic with tonnes of work in the office.

Things have kind of settled down and now i am a lot more relaxed.
My friends have given up hope on me......... i dont take their calls...... dont return their calls, do not reply to the messages......

I am really sorry ! Love you all ( for all my frends reading this !)

HAve loads to write....... i wish i had 48 hrs in a day!

Hi

2006-02-19T11:56:00.000+05:30

HI...

This is where you could catch me for a while .....

http://spaces.msn.com/shalini-nair

Welcome aboard !!

LUV

Shals

God ! I love you !

2006-01-24T13:04:00.000+05:30

Beautiful !! Thats how i felt about the day when i woke up today morning, irrespective of the mess i had to clear and the situation i am in at home.

Things have been going great in my life. The latest development being my new job. I am simply in love with it. I could not have asked for a better start to the New Year. Hope these good times continue throughout the year or may be forever. Hope i am not being too greedy !! God ! I love you !!

Its been a long time since i wrote something. Although i havent had any posting on the my blog lately, i am constantly updated on new posts by a few friends. I know i have said this many times over, but it is Actually addictive.

And then, i am blessed with some amazing friends who make sure that i have a good start to the day. Thanks Rajat !! U are really sweet! Thanks Sonia......for those wake up calls .......u are a sweetheart.

Now that my folks are away to kerala to attend my cousin's marriage, things are lot different back home. Managing home and office is a little tough. But i am getting used to it now. Its amazing how i got through last 3 days, given the fact that i do not know the ABC of cooking, and i am forced to cook for myself, wash my clothes.... etc etc. Oh lord !! Mom i miss you so much !!

Now, is when i realise the importance of the bed tea that used reach me just in time. its amazing how, often we do not value these small gestures and it hits us bad when out of the blue they dissapear. Getting up at 5 a.m. in itself is a pain........let alone making a coffee for myself.

I also realised that i have lost a lot of weight in the past few days. Not that i was obese, but now i look really good and i am happy. The only worry though, is that that my trousers dont fit me anymore. :(, which means that i will have to go shopping, which for me is almost a nightmare. Oh Mom!! I Miss U !

I thought i had a good start to the day....but here i am talking about all goof ups happening.

I still am happy and looking forward to the day despite all the goof ups.

All i want to do is Thank a few people today morning :

Rajat : You have no idea how sweet you are. God Bless u Always!!

Garauv : You are a sweetheart. Love you !

Restina : Thanks for being such a wonderful colleague and a dear friend and also for being one of the reason i look forward to my day in office. WE ROCK !! Dont we?

Aarti : I know, with you existence, mumbai office operations is gonna be an ""Amazing Experinace"" ha ha ha ;0)

Deepak : For being the NUT case that he is. As long as the accounts are taken care of...........Love you too Sweets!

and all my frnez in bombay, and the people i have missed in my list....LOVE YOU ALL. GOD BLESS !!

As if time had stopped..........

2006-01-07T16:00:00.000+05:30

My phone rang.........it was "HIM". "I will be leaving by the 11.40 flight tonight" he said...........and i held on......but thats all he said.......not even a Goodbye!! May be he never wanted to say Goodbye.......he did not believe in goodbye s...and so did I.

It had been over a week since we spoke.. Something was bothering him, but he would not tell me. It had never happened before.........that a day would pass by without us talking to each other......but this time it was different. I knew he was deeply hurt........i knew it all.........but i was afraid to admit it......to accept it.

I knew he never wanted to leave this city.........he had always wished to spend his life here. He would travel a lot but this time it was different. He was leaving, and this time for real, and in less than 6 hours.......never to come back.........................i wanted to know..............

While i drove back home, i was juggling with thoughts. Thoughts of calling him up, reasoning his decision to leave......i wanted to ask him.............i wondered why had he not told me before. Was he planning this for a long time........i dont think so. Did something happen??? I did not know........i had 1000 questions on my mind.....i wanted answers....i could not let him go...............i wanted to hear his voice........i wanted him to call me.............i wanted him to talk to me, as we usually did.......for hours........i wanted to hear him laugh.

I thought of all the good times we had spent together. The 5a.m. wake up calls to each other, no matter where we were..........The surprise visits, The arguments, The fights, The Parties, The Breakups, The crushes....The Pillow fights, The laundry sessions, The grocery shopping, The hugz, The Midnight walks..... how he rushed home to Aayi who would make all his favorite dishes, The times when i would fall asleep on his shoulders while watching a movie.........I was re-living all those moments......and i sensed the pain.....i knew i had felt this pain once before.............i knew i did not want him to leave.

I thought of the last time we were together, was almost a week back. It was on a Friday..........and he had just landed from Chennai (after a 3 day trip) and i found him waiting at my doorstep with all the baggage, when i reached home. Surprised, i asked him why had he not called me.....to which i got no reply.....he just smiled.........The smile which i can never forget!!

His smile (always mysterious) held a lot of meaning..........which i could never figure out.............it was always as if he had so much to say......but i could never make out.

We had a really nice time that evening.........unlike anytime else. We cooked food together, we talked all night, about anything and everything......he told me about his trip, his recent crush, his new project, about his mom's illness....and before we realised it was 6 am.............it was as if we could be like this forever and ever.

That morning, he volunteered to make coffee. I was sitting on the couch, right besides the window, feeling the warmth of the sun on that beautiful winter morning. I was feeling so good that day..........And suddenly, i felt him hugging me from behind....and for once i did not stop him....and we sat like that having our coffee.......and i rested my head on his shoulders. Everything about this moment was felt so right..there was a feeling of calm within me. I loved being in his arms.............and i thought i could sit like this forever.....holding on to him.............i knew he wanted to say something............but he did not..........and we sat in silence.........in each other's company.

Almost abruptly, the phone rang.......i did not want to get up.....i did not want to let go of this moment.................and so, i let it be...............i let the phone take the message, and i soon realised it was BIG mistake. It was "Ex" and the message was.........

"i know you are there..........pick up the phone. i want to talk to you. Pick up. I am sorry i hurt u. I am sorry for what i did, i am sorry i made you cry, i am sorry i left you when you needed me, i am sorry for not calling you before. i have spoken to my mother. She wants me to get married. things will be alrite. I will change myself. i promise i will keep you happy. Talk to me.... i am coming to India next month, and i will talk to your parents about our marriage. call me. i will wait for your reply."

I was speechless, i wanted to cry. The memories of five painful years of my life came flashing back. Just when i was coming to terms with what he had done, when i was getting my life back to normal, when i was learning to smile again, he appeared, to aggrevate my misery. It was almost a year since we had broken up...not once had he called to check on me. I was shocked at his audacity. After all that he had done, he wanted to come back to my life.....As if the pain he had given me was any less................ I could never forgive him.

I felt a tap on my shoulders, it was HIM. "Its getting late, i gotto go..see you later. call me if you need anything. Take care." he said. The pain i felt in watching him leave was indescribable.......... more than i had felt in those agonising 5 years............

And today again i felt that pain...all over again.....i did not know what to do. I could not let him go. I had to stop him....................

I took the left turn , and i knew this road would lead to his house. I found the door open..i still knocked, and there was no reply. I walked in and called out for him. I could see him nowhere....i kept looking for him over the house, and i could not see him anywhere. I was getting worried and looked frantically all over.....and suddenly i saw him............standing in the balcony.

I ran towards him......and stopped within a few inches of him. He turned to look at me........and turned his face away from me, as if to hide his tears..........He looked so pale. I moved closer and i held his hand. i felt tears rolling down my cheeks....he raised his and and wiped the tears off my face.........clasped my cheeks and held me close. Tears filled in his eyes........and he said "Darling, l Love You !! I wish i could live this life with you......... I Wish i could live my dreams with you...........I wish i could grow old with you...............I Wish you loved me Too !!!

I wanted to hold him against me..........and i did.......my heart was racing.........i grabbed him with both my arms and kissed gently on his forehead and said "I want to live this life with you......... I Want to live my dreams with you...........I want to grow old with you...............I LOVE YOU TOO Darling .....Dont go...!!! And it was as if time has stopped..................

A New Day !!

2006-01-02T12:06:00.000+05:30

Cold!! I have a sore throat ! Not a good way to start your day with!
I sit here staring at the screen.....I have so much to do. But i sit still.........confused. Lost in my thoughts. Something was unusual about the usual today.......May be its Me!! My Mood today....i am not feeling too well.

Sometime back, as we all were being served our coffee and I could hear so many people around me.......the buzz was overwhelming.... and now suddenly there is a calm...and unnerving one at that.

I sensed everybody had got busy with their work and the place had got quite. My office can be a really boring place to be at times. Currently i have six windows open on my screen, and i have a few mails to aswer to, but i dont feel like doing anything.......except to write some non sense like i am doing rt now.....to blabber, to talk to my blog !! I love you becasue you hear me out and i can write anything without the fear of being judged.

I fear i will not be able to talk to you and my friends for long, thus i want to enjoy and exploit every moment of the luxury (of free time) i have as long as it lasts.

The New Year has started on a good note for me.......and i have had some good news coming my way, i got in touch again with with a few friends with whom i had not spoken to in a while. I was glad they still remembered to call and to catch up on all the things we have been missing. I was glad i got another oppurtunity to tell them that I Love them all.
Sometimes, it is so important to tell people that you care, you love them even though they know that you do. At times one just need to hear it !

My life revolves around my freinds, and at times i fell i should not be possessive about them..... because once everyone gets busier in their respective lives, it will be so difficult to let go.....it will be difficult to come into terms with the Void! I guess, all this is because i dont want to grow up...........i want nothing to change....i dont want to become this responsible invidual who does everthing right, who is logical and practical in life. I want to be Me.......Just ME...the Confused Me.

I guess i got carried away, and i see that i am starting to sound so boringly philosophical..Oh No!! That will be such a Tragedy! I am a disaster when i am sad and quiet.

Ok i guess i need to get some work done.....i gotto go....but i will be back soon....may be this time in a good Mood...........Cus i cant be without you for long. I am ADDICTED.....to you, the blog world.........and theres no denying that!!

HNY !! :o)

2005-12-30T18:07:00.000+05:30

The Feeling....

2005-12-30T10:51:00.000+05:30

I Love This Feeling....

The Racing Heart....

The Trembling Hands...

The Incoherent Whispers....The Laughs....The Silence.....

The Look on His Face Everytime I Walk by.....

The Craving To Touch...To Feel....To Kiss....To Hug.....

The Shiver.....The Joy....The Smile....The Laugh....

The Sorrow...The Pain....The Tears....The Anguish....

I Love This Feeling of Being in Love....

I Am in Love With Love....

PAIN !!

2005-12-29T09:52:00.000+05:30

I Wish I Could Cry....

May have Eased The Pain a Bit...

But Today, the Tears Betray me Too...

They are Angry Too...

For I have Never Once Called for Them...

Its Been Years....

I had Forgotten Them.....I Was Busy Being Happy....

They Were my Friends in Sorrow....

When I was All Alone...

I Could Talk to Them...

They Would keep Me Company...When I had None...

And I Had Let Them Go....

May be I Have to Endure the Pain....All by Myself....

May be I Deserve It....

I Deserve It for Being Selfish.....

I Deserve It for Letting The Tears Go....

I Deserve It for Letting HIM go......

“Smile!! Its a beautiful day!!”

2005-12-27T14:19:00.000+05:30

WAT A BEAUTIFUL MORNING......i thought to myself!!
All smiles i was, and i had somebody asking me (sms'g) to “Smile!! Its a beautiful day!!”

But after all that he had said a few hours back, asking me to Smile did not make any sense. Should I really smile ?? Did he give me any reason to ?? No, I don't think so, and yet i was smiling ...... Dunno why !!

It was 3.40 a.m... i woke up from a deep sleep....almost abruptly. I had been sleeping for more than 9 hrs. I woke up to find the darkness looming in on me, the chill causing me to shiver, the loneliness which scared me. I got up, sat with my back against the wall, and looked outside from my window. The long street was still, deserted, silent and cold....but not dark. The street light was so bright, it gave the street an orange glow!!! I could see the Gurudwara all lit up against a dark sky....Looked Magnificent !!

I had slept quite early last night.... i was not tired but i was exhausted. May be exhausted of trying to live up to all the expectations, responsibilities. Trying to lose myself in an effort to make others smile, happy and proud. I wanted to shout out loud, about things i was beginning to hate in people, and things around me, because i was suffocating...........gasping for fresh air. I wanted to talk to someone... but i did not know who ?

Apparently, i live a very happy life, with loads of friends, loving parents, loving brother, and someone special who loves me. ( I wish i could love him too ) i cant explain this fear. May be it the fear of falling short of all the expectations, i really don't know what it was, but it was something i was struggling to escape from !!

I was missing something or may be someone ?? Who knows??

I always felt lonely in a crowd, a crowd of people who wanted to see me happy, and who love me. Who would wanna run away from such people?? But i did !! I had everything anybody could ever ask for in life. My share of joyous, and sad times. I had friends i would have good time with, talk to for hours on phone (mostly nonsense) fight our trivial issues, argue, curse, laugh and cry with......and still i was missing.........Something.

Life could not get more complicated, because i was thinking a lot, a lot about things which makes no sense to people around me. But they matter, at least to me !!

I was expecting to hear from him last night, but he did not call. I wondered why ! He generally does...and everyday to be precise. We would talk to each other for a long time (hours may be, at times )before retiring to bed, mostly about the day that we both had, or food that he liked, the movie we could watch on the weekend, or anything. There were times when he would call and we would not speak to each other.........yet we both were comfortable in the silence we shared. It was as if we understood all the unspoken words, we were comfortable in just each other's presence !!

I cannot call him a friend, because i have not known him for long. He is NOT that “ special someone”, and neither do i want him to be !! He is just somebody i had met, i know a little about and i love being with. I have this ineffable feeling towards him, and i know for sure that its NOT Love!!
I was just so happy being with him, may be because he was a stranger to me in many ways who knows not, too much about me. With him, I could be all i wanted to be,....i could say anything without the fear of being judged, i was not afraid of the consequences, I did not have to live to any expectations, because he had NONE out of me, and I just loved that! I found Solace in his company.

With him, I could be childish, i could say all the silly things, giggle a lot, laugh a lot, throw tantrums, be chatty, be quiet, i could be all what i always wanted to be. I did not have to fake a smile, i did not have to please him. I could be Me, JUST ME!!
I could speak of anything under the sun with him. The atrocious day i had in office, my confusions, about how i felt about “M” ....an how differently he felt about me, i could talk about my problems, or all the good things that were happening with me
He was this perfect stranger i had just met, somebody i would look forward talking to everyday after office, on weekends, and at anytime of the day and night. Somebody i would prefer being with instead of being with people i know, and may be love too !!

Every time we talked, we would discover something new about each other. Something good, and something bad. There was this unspoken agreement between us, WE WERE NOT SUPPOSED TO FALL IN LOVE .......EVER !! That made a lot of things much more easier for us , because we knew we would not have to give any reasons, any answers.......... ever!!

So, there i was, wide awake, sitting on my bed, thinking of the reasons why he had not called me last night !! May be he was stuck in a meeting, may be he had came home late and he did not want to wake me up, may be he was not well. When i woke up my first thought was of him... or his absence may be . I reached for my cell phone from under my pillow.... to leave a message for him, but to my surprise i found a message from him instead........sent at 2.10a.m..

( he would always start a sms with a smile.... ALWAYS !!. Was so typical of him !)

And it read....
“:o) How are you ? How was your day today ? I was awake for some reason. Dunno Y....I was thinking of you and i guess i was missing you!! WISH YOU WERE HERE !! ”

All this, considering he hates sending sms s. He always said he did not have the patience to type and preferred to talk on the phone instead. And all his sms's were never more than a word or two, till date !!

I was taken aback, shocked .....because it was unlike what he had EVER said to me. A chill ran down my spine !! Did he really mean it the way i thought he did !! I did not want to loose him, i did not want him to be all that i have always been scared of !! I was battling with my urge to talk to him.....which, i so wanted to, then and there. I thought i would call him and ask him what was that message all about. But in the end i chose to text him instead, because I did not expect him to be awake and also because I realised i could not talk to him over the phone, and may be he could not either.

So, i messaged him back “Hi ! how are you doing ?”

I could not think of anything else. I continued to gaze out of my window......with a blank thought. For a change, i was thinking of NOTHING !! And suddenly, I heard my cell buzzing....it was the message tone. Wasn't expecting any at that hour. Curious, i reached for my phone, and yes it was him, replying to my message. I was amazed to know that he was awake too, still..... but silent, which was so unlike him. I thought of calling him up, because i wanted to talk to him....but something stopped me.

And thus, began a flurry of messages......

Me : Hi ! how are you doing ?”
Him : Am doing fine !! Hw are U ?
Me : I m fine too !! Hw cme u are stil awake ? R u unwell ?
Him : No, i m perfectly alrte. Cud not b better !! Altho, i must warn you, am drunk !! too drunk i guess !! Hd gne 2 a colleague's farewel party

(He wanted to WARN me because he was aware of my hatred towards people who drank. I was always awry of such people, and preferred staying away !! Even my Dad (only wen he was drunk) . I would never talk to such people. Ya it is Weird !! ......but thats how it was. I just could not stand people when they were High !!)

Me : Oh ! Hw ws d party...& how cum u not sleeping ?
Him : Don't know!! N i did tell u tht i ws drunk .. dint I ?? U cn go bak 2 bed if u wish.
Me : Yes. U did! But its ok.... m not sleepy either !!

After a long pause........

Him : i wntd 2 tell u smething.. May i?

Me : u dnt hv 2 ask me. Shoot !!

Him : i lov to hear u laugh...n specially when u laugh loud....

Me : is dat wat u wntd 2 tel me ? I thnk u r too drunk to talk, i guess u shud hit bed !!

Him : No! I wnt 2 tlk 2 u. i wnt 2 liv a dream wid u ....

Me : WAT ????

Him : i wnt 2 hold u gently in my arms n i wnt to dance with u all nite.

Me : GO TO BED !! we shal speak tmrow! Gudnite!!

Him : I want 2 feel ur cheeks against mine...and i just wnt 2 dance d nite away with u..

Him : I wnt 2 watch u sleepn in my arms.....i wnt 2 wake up with u, besides me.

Him : i want to kiss u softly on ur forehead while you sleep.....

Him : i wnt to feel ur breath against my face whle u lie like an angel....against me

Him : I wnt 2 wake u up n make u sit nxt 2 me ....n i wnt both of us 2 talk,whispering 2 each other abt sweet nothings ....while v wait 4 d dawn 2 break....d sun 2 rise...wid u in my arms...

Me : R u alrite ??? i don't thnk u knw wat u talkn abt. U r way too drunk. Pls go 2 sleep.

Him : i wnt 2 hold ur hand n tel u hw beautiful u looked, as the sun rays glistening thru the curtains, brightening up the room n filln it with a warmth, engulfing us both in it.....

Him : I wnt 2 hear u laugh....

A long silence........... Its 7.30 a.m. I assume he has slept. My thoughts wander..... i have no clue.... I was glad he was drunk. I did not want him to remember anything he had said... and i sit lost in my thoughts....i had never felt like that ever before....

A knock on my door, and my mom, walks in with a cup of coffee. “Don't you have office today???” She enquires. I , as if hit by something, look at my mom, startled.
She gets a bit worried .... and asks “ What happened ? Why do you look so pale? Are you not feeling well?? “

“I am alright” i say . I look at my watch, its 7.45. I realise i am running late. I have to make it to office by 9.30a.m. I have to get leave home by 8.30a.m. Or i will miss my bus !! i have just 45mins to get ready.... i have to get up, and run...run away from another set of questions from my mom.

I was walking towards the Bus stop, again lost in my thoughts... trying to make sense of it all....i had already walked past the stop....... and i hear a frantic horn.........its my bus, just behind me. I took my usual seat besides the window.... Lost again.... i sat there....... the usual smile was missing. Mr. Rai ( who i fondly called.... Rai uncle ) looked at me with a puzzled look. He had never seen such an expression on my face. For him, the usual “ Good Morning Uncle! How are you doing? “ was missing......... the smile on my face was missing.

I hear a similar buzz again..... i think to myself “i have heard that sound before...... somewhere.” Oh yes!! Its my cell phone..... and its a message again..... Its him again........and it said ......

“Smile!! Its a beautiful day!!”

WOW !!! IT WAS MAGIC

2005-12-16T11:41:00.000+05:30

The past week has been a roller coaster ride, filled with frustration, confusions, apprehensions, joy, excitement, and all the feelings i could think of going through, but now that i have lived all of it i have no regrets AT ALL !!

SO, i finally met “M” and it was so wonderful, unlike what i had thought. It was the first time we actually got to spend the whole day together, just “US” since we met (a year ago)

The first time we met it was so formal, surrounded by so many people, and because the environment was such that we all we could talk bout was the weather in Delhi, and how things were different in his country ( where he has been living for the past 3 years) but irrespective of all this i could sense that there was something he wanted to tell me, i could see it in his eyes, there was something special about the way he looked at me.......... and i, the most unromantic confused fool that i am, dint even acknowledge it, or may be i chose not to.......suddenly i felt awry of all that attention he was giving me. May be because no one has ever looked at me like that before. I dint know what to make of it.....And then before he left we exchanged our Email Ids, because he wanted to send me all those pics he had taken, and he thought we could stay in touch, and then he was gone to a place far away........ and i did receive an email...as soon as he reached, but unfortunately he chose a bad day to write to me, because i was having such a bad day in office, and all that anger kind of reflected in my reply to his mail. I was blunt, and rude and a bit too straightforward, cus i dint know if this was normal......I dint know whether to reply to his mails.........cus it definetly did not feel normal, there was something different about this acquaintance. But he replied to that too, and i thought may be i was over reacting, and so the days passed by and we exchanged lots of emails, caught up on msgnr whenever we could...spoke to each other on the phone once in a while... so the friendship began......and kind of blossomed with each passing day. We loved talking to each other, although for very different reasons,as it turned out later. I was glad i met him, and that we became good friends, and it did not take us too long to get close, (i mean as friends) cus hit it off instantly.......there was a chemistry. He was unlike all my crazy friends, may be because he was more mature than all of us, and he made more sense to me than my other friends. I relied on him, i could relate to him and his friendship, his advice, i started to respect him. I knew i had a friend for LIFE!!

And then, one fine day he said something to me which kinda shook me. Although i saw this coming long time back, i guess i was not prepared to face it afterall.....and now when i look back i dont even remember how i reacted, i was nervous as hell.... but we remained in touch...and this episode had not effected our friendship at all......And i was comfortable talking to him in spite of that. But i knew that i would have to face this again someday........ i was scared........i was unsure of the way i felt for him..... and i on a number of occasions told him how i felt, but he asked me not to think too much and to leave everything on time. I was not even expecting to meet him again at least before 2 - 3 yrs, but as it turned out he got an opportunity to visit India once more, and he was so excited and so was I.

We have known each other fairly long, and long enough to understand each other's moods, likes, dislikes, fears

So, he came to Delhi, and i met him again, this time it was so different. We spent the whole day together, had so much fun. We laughed, we fought like kids, we argued, we hugged, and it turned out to be one of the best day's of my life. And then it was time for him to leave......and i for once wished that the day never ends..i just did not feel like leaving him!!

I knew there was something special between us, but i dont know why i was trying to overlook all of that, and there was so much he wanted to tell me but chose not to, because he knew that all that could make me feel uncomfortable. But little did he know that in my hearts of hearts, i so desperately wanted to hear all that from him.......... The last few mins together was so painful.........i dint want to let him go.......i felt like crying....all of a sudden i couldn't even utter a word, i could not even look in eyes........

I wish i were not so confused, so stubborn........i wish i could was not so scared of falling in love !!

BLOGGING ALL THE WAY !!!!!!!!

2005-12-06T17:31:00.000+05:30

What can i say... now every single person i know in my team ( except 3 Nerds!! ......thats what i like to call them for the but obvious reasons......... and btw one of the two people happens to be my Manager!! and i at times wonder why he becomes the most commonly talked about person in my blogs (twice already) if i hate him so much ) )has caught on to reading blogs, and its catching like wildfire......thanks to people like Anita , Arzoon, Arvind and many others ( i wish i could name them all here)

In fact it has had so much impact on me these days that, the first thing i go through in the morning would be some random blog even before my cup of coffee/tea

And even at this point in time while i scribble away, i am amidst two fellow blog readers who are accusing me of introducing them to the blog world,because apparently they have kinda of become addicted to it.... Now the topic of discussion during our lunch break is either some blog one might have read or the author, and to the extent that Ekta( my colleague) starts reasoning somebody else's experiences / actions after he/she might have posted it somewhere on his or her blog !! She says it gives her so much tension to be thinking about someone else's problems, and perplexingly these are people she has never ever even heard about before and never would ever in the future ....... ! Can a Good, happy or sad post affect some one so much ???

Well......i certainly would be a addict myself.......i guess!

Thanks to all the people who write so well.........Keep it Going!!

Cheers !!!

Just Me .....Confused As Always !!!

2005-12-02T16:57:00.000+05:30

I am not i a mood to work today... May be its the Friday Blues ( you might be hearing this for the first time but all i am trying to do is explain today's mood in some way or the other.) ........or may be the Winter getting on to me !! All i am thinking about since morning is a hot cup of coffee with lots of chocolate.

I have had a rather lazy week.....not too much much work in office either. Since i have started my blog i have written only once, and no matter how much i wanted to write ever since, i have not been able to...... just dint feel like.

It s only the start to the winters in Delhi, and here i am wondering about all the things i could do on a a Sunday afternoon. Lately i have not been spending much time with my sweet mom, and i have realised that often we take things and people for granted in our lives. I don't know about others, but our little family has always been very nuclear even with the four of us ( me , pa, mom and my brother) Everybody is so fiercely independent. All four of us have a life of our own and would not want anybody asking too many questions .....my mom could be the only exception here.......... Her world revolves around the three of us. Unlike my dad, who is extremely reserve by nature, he hardly talks........and when he is does, he is so damn serious that i think twice about even cracking a joke. NOOO my dad is no Hitler, but i guess its just the way it is ( Thanks to his “valuable” years in the Army or Whatever!!! a disciplinarian that he is sometimes makes me feel detached) does not believe in reciprocating his feelings...and that makes me wonder how dull my parent's romantic life would have been :0).I guess it was different back then......Speaking of which i am reminded of “HIM” who is almost .........i mean almost like my DAD

Lemme refer to him as “M”. I have known M for about 11 months now...... We met, We spoke, and we have been speaking to each other ever since. Theres so much that we talk about yet theres a lot unsaid. May be thats the way it is ....i wouldn't know. I don't consider myself very romantic but i would definitely like my “guy” to be. Not thats “M” is not, its just that i feel i am so naive when it comes to love and relationships. Am not ready for it just yet.

Or may be my idea of romance is totally different than “M's”. Or may be its the 5 year age difference ......or may be i am a bit too childlike for my age. I wish i could expalin this..but i fail to. Whatever it is........ i just wanna tell him that may be i am not the one for him, he deserves more..... i wish i could do that without breaking his heart. He is coming to delhi next week, taking time out from his really tight schedule.....travelling half the country only to meet me...... How can i do this to him ?? One day is all we have to be together......and then he is off to some place far far away. Should i tell him how i actually feel when he is here ?? Am so confused !! I wish i had answer !!

My frend has a different view on this ........she says i am thinking a bit too much, and that i am not even giving him a chance.....and that i am being stupid !! AM i really ??

Just Another Saturday !!

2005-11-30T17:04:00.000+05:30

Written on a Saturday !!

Finally !! I finally get the time to pen down ( so much for the expression!! )some thing for my maiden post. I sincerely hope i am able to update this as frequently as possible. The fact that i donut find the time to write whenever i so wish to could be really annoying. Not that i am the busiest person in the world or any thing.........On the contrary....all the blame could be put on on my mood swings ( oh yes i am ....Not too much though !!....... unlike some people (read moody people) i do not drive people around me NUTS !! ) Somehow, i always what things to be just perfect ( perfection not by the general standards, instead based on what i need things to be like at any given point in time.. sounds cheesy . :0) right?? Thats the way it is..............)

Honestly ..... i thought a lot about creating my own blog...... although i have always fascinated , loved the idea of writing i never really gave it a chance...... may be it was because i thought that i am not such a good writer after all, and specially if something i write is read by n number of people...... and i soon realised that the way i think was totally wrong. I couldn't care less about how people react to my blogs , my “crap” .......... as long as its MY BLOG i can write whatever i feel like, cus its my PERSONAL space( although.......... i must admit it sure does make one feel good if one gets a response to a blog, and more so if its a good one :-) )

I thought that my first blog would be an introduction about my life, and me as an individual, but i soon realised that the whole “ ABOUT ME” space serves the purpose just fine, and thus i will write anything except “About Me” details in my first blog........... although indirectly anything i write would definetly be something in my life or about my life...or Whatever!!!!!! Confused ??? i wish i could help....but unfortunately i predict thats the way it going to be most of the time......... you just need to be smart enuf or have reasonable amount of Grey matter ( bolne me kya jata hai) , and also the same whacky sense of thinking as i do............. to gather the point i am trying to make. I think i confused you even more......... Forget it!!

Its just another Saturday at work (boring as ever).....and i am dying to get the hell out of here. Being the youngest in the group has never ever been so “SAD”......and all my efforts of making this place a little more fun have been futile.........thanks to my “manager” who i must confess is the most boring human being i have ever met.......... At times i even wonder “ what am i doing here” , do i really belong here” ... “when will i taste freedom” and all those other stupid thoughts which cross my mind......when am absolutely saturated and have almost lost touch with reality. And especially after the day i had last Tuesday ' ( in case you are wondering what was so special about the Tuesday......lemme assure you that its not even worth a mention..am just trying to forget it myself.........)

I am looking forward to some fun in the evening today at our “samosa gathering”...... cus we have a lot of catching up to do. Gaurav's new found love....... Rohit bhaiya's crisis ( he is loosing all his hair and he fears he will not get married before he goes bald :-)....Anup's new job and his girlfriend. etc etc.....being some topics of discussion among many other social issues ( SO TO SPEAK!! ) And being the only girl in the “gang” makes it evn more exciting and fun ( i get to know WHAT MEN THINK ABOUT A LADY DRESSED IN A ULTRA MINI SKIRT IN A CHILLY WINTER EVENING!! ) and what they think about their girlfriends and women in general..........and i have come to realise that no matter how good and nice and sweet and “cute” they may be in the eyes of their respective girlfriends, they really go out of their way to be such “DOGS “ that they are. No insult intended to the male species in general......although from what i hear and have learnt from my experience is that they are all the same!!! No i am not a FEMINIST !!

As i mentioned earlier before, i had never ever thought of writing anything and especially on the Net, but i guess its worth it!! And thanks to Anita (www.anitabora.com) ,because she is the reason why i started my own blog ( although she is quite unaware of my existence and the fact that i dedicate this blog to her)

Thats all i have time to write about today, but i sure will be back with my stories, rantings ( need to take it out somewhere??? ) and much more . BEWARE!!!

Any suggestions about my new blog are welcome and will be appreciated !!

Until i see you next time.....its ADIOS!!